Conscious.

After looking through pictures, and long hours of comparison I have deduced the source of my unhappiness. For a long time I've not given a crap about how I look or whether I should apply make up whenever I go out, well... Here goes my useless rant/on-going battle with myself:

 - Why are my thighs so massive? I don't get it, I can't use a pair of shorts without feeling conscious about whether my fats are jiggling or whether I've got cellulite literally raping the under side of my legs.

 - My pimples are never ending, no matter what I do.

 - My hair is too short, or too straight, or too boring, or not flouncy and bouncy enough, or what if I look like shit when my hair grows out, cause I know my hair gets way too flat when it's long, and it's always such a boring color.

 - Generic eyebags. I've had them ever since I was a baby, to top that off I've got these lines under my eyes as well.

- My teeth aren't straight, I only have myself to blame for that - I didn't keep my braces on for longer, or whatever shit.

- My skin is never soft, they're either always really dry, or they're soft and shit before, then within hours it dries up again.

- I AM SHORT AS FUCK. I can't even get away with dresses nicely.

 I also have this issue with comparing myself with other people, who in my eyes are very pretty. It's like - 'why can't I look like that?' or.. 'what if he prefers girls who are like that?' AND in the worst case scenario I always end up questioning myself about my personality.

I'm not innocent, I don't sit at home and watch Korean dramas all day, I don't choose sleep over clubbing with friends, I don't walk into a club and just sit and watch everybody grind each other or dance like lunatics, I have more than one piercing, I swear... A LOT.

 Then there's the issue with not being able to speak any language other than english, or well.. I can't speak anything else fluently and all the other languages I actually understand or can speak aren't used in this country.

Then comes the case of 'shit, what if they don't like me?' or 'shit, what if i don't fit in?'

Ultimately, I always end up listening to other peoples opinions of me, I always tell myself that I really can't be fucked to pay attention to all the bullshit other people have said about me. But in reality, I do pay a lot of attention to shit like that, I try to make everybody happy, and ignore the things I want for myself, "you must have your hair like this." or.. "no you may not do that to your nails" or.. OH WHAT THE HELL. It's basically like I can't lead my own life no matter what I do. UGH.

 The most frustrating part of all this is, it's actually finally getting to me.